To the left to the left, everything you own in a box to the left

It’s been another little while but finally we have something to say! We have officially survived one year away travelling round the world and are now on the home straight…six months to go people and the FC Hammerettes will be back touring in your town J

The next landmark event worth mentioning (in amongst all this working we are so eagerly doing!) was Easter weekend which saw the Looky Ladies reunited in Melbourne for 60 hours of unadulterated fun! That’s Miss Dibby for anyone who needs a reminder…the third Trevor’s angel – she is once, twice, three times a lady!

After a particularly late night on Thursday for both Amy and I at separate ends of Brisbane town we started the long weekend off by waking up at 9:50am and having to be packed and moved out by 10am…even our permanent residency at the hostel couldn’t sway a couple more sneaky hours in bed from the man in charge - James L So we set up camp in the downstairs T.V. room and didn’t move for the rest of the day – since we had all of our stuff with us to be put into storage it was a good eye-opener as to how much we have collected over the last few months and how it is all never going to fit back into the rucksack! Parents – prepare for some post!

We eventually made it to Melbourne, to Spencer Street, to Prahran, to Chapel Street and to Dibby J Since all three of us had started the weekend a little too early – we decided to skip the planned booze cruise and had a pyjama party instead – lots to catch up on and all that good stuff! In fact it was a relatively un-drunken weekend all round and surprisingly most relaxing. We played lawn bowls AKA sat in the park, ate good food and went for afternoon drinks in the sunshine. Aside from apparently being invisible to every other pedestrian in Melbourne who you had to practically be standing on top of before they moved out the way (and not even then sometimes) and it was every taxi driver’s first day on the job - it was ace - eh! Amy and I went to see John Mayer on Saturday night who was brilliant as ever – no sign of Miss Simpson in the crowd but Amy did spy Dean from Australian Pop Idol on her way to the bar – very exciting (for us!) :-/

It was a relatively un-drunken weekend until about Sunday night the evening began with the sunset over St Kilda beach, a civilised dinner party with chilli from a can (don’t knock it till you’ve tried it) and high quality goon and it ended in a trolley and a taxi ride home at 4:45am. What time do we have to leave to go to the airport again Ayms? Oh, that’s right – 6am – genius. An hour later and I had to practically beat Amy to get her off the couch which she and Dibby had collapsed on after giving up on trying to play the 80’s dancing video at 5am. Somehow we managed to get packed and into a taxi on time and my ever-lasting image of Miss Dibs will be her standing on the pavement half asleep, half drunk, wrapped in a blanket and singing J That day, amongst the more appropriate items of clothing and bedding she put her remote control through the washing machine - eh!

We got on the Skybus and it was at this point that I decided to check the flight information?! Just to add to the day’s fun, turns out our flight is scheduled a whole 25minutes earlier than what I thought it was…panic stations everyone! Another story to add to the ever-growing list of ‘running through the airport’ anecdotes we seem to becoming the lead roles in. We did manage to find some time to spend a ridiculous amount of dollars on a 2 hour old egg and bacon muffin and a stale croissant! Where’s MacD’s when you need it huh?! Not in Melbourne airport for future reference.

When we arrived back at the hostel we found out we had been put in a dorm with some smelly boys and quickly set to work revising that decision…we were fortunate enough to get back into OUR room the next night and have settled right back in since J We spent the rest of the day recuperating in the T.V. lounge, like we had never been away.

Never forget where you've come here from, Never pretend that its all real, Someday soon this will be someone elses dream

I'm sure the next question on your lips is aside from all the working - how exactly are Gem and Amy having fun without spending any money...we play cards - mostly Cheat which I'm not so good at but Amy is worse, something about a huge grin on her face when she lays the cards down! Sh1thead (no Gravesend School for Boys rules here I'm afraid Kit!), watching gheckos stalk insects, sweating stemming from the walk to work (with the aim of saving more money), laughing at Irish guys and English girl, drunk on goon having discussions on religion and history of own countries, watching Irish guys fight outside hostel (not as interesting as it sounds), betting on which Irish guy will be kicked out the next morning for being rowdy, betting on the time Clint and Will actually made it work at the weekends.

Brisbane is in a drought and is apparently destined to run out of water in two weeks according to our hostel (reality is 18 months) so you are only allowed two minute showers, to compensate for the lack of time allowed in shower people take several a day! We joined a library with a messed up "locating book" system (trying to recall lessons in library terminology but cannot) where you inevitably find the book you are looking for, not on the shelf in alphabetical order but on the 'recently returned section' AKA 'these are the books that folk have dropped off and we cannot be bothered to put them away so you should spend your afternoon looking through this pile on the off chance that the book you are looking for has just been returned', must mention that this section of library takes up most of library!

We are now the pikeys that raid the free food basket everyday in the hope of winnning lottery and finding bag of pasta or spaghetti! Woohoo, a saving of 85cents :) We played Ludo one night as well which was grand although took forever, anyone remember is it one dice or two you are supposed to play with? We go to bed most nights about 9:30-10pm and still wake up tired?! And the reason (without knowing it) that we came to Brisbane - so that Amy's dreams from 14 years ago could come true - when she met Take That in the Queens Street Mall! I've never seen anyone so excited about anything as she comes strolling down the road brandishing a signed CD for the bargain price of $6!

...Life would lose it's thrill...

Amy and I have lain to rest the magic skateboards for a while and have substituted them with work - that's right we are back to cultivating the bags under the eyes and trying to work as much as possible so we can earn as much as possible so we can save as much as possible and travel as much as possible!!

We have settled into Brisbane, Brissie, Bris-Bane, Bris Vegas fairly well - the question on most people's lips is why? Well here, they have jobs and many other people like us, who also have no money to have a life and have to resort to the goon for a good time (Defn:- GOON; Cheap wine bought by the 4litre box, tastes rank until about the 6th glass by which time all your taste buds have recoiled into submission, also made from fish and eggs or fish eggs, but is incredibly cheap if not mentioned that before - 5 British pounds for four litres). In theory there will be less temptation here to go out and spend the much needed bucks?! We'll keep you posted.

Week one - Amy, reception extraordinaire found a job in the agency she signed up with and Hays is now much better for it, the non-existent room-booking system has been whipped into shape (as have all the staff who use it!) and basically they all love her and think she is brilliant - as do we all. I started my "career" off in Brisbane as a Data Entry Slave - job to last anywhere between two weeks and three months, since data entry is my forteit I managed to finish the assignment in a week which didn't work out quite so well for me because then I was unemployed.

Week 2, Amy settles further into her job and I embrace unemployment and contemplate how long it will take before the desperation is enough to put Macd's on the list of potential employers?! Besides working, we are back to fulfilling our Recommended Daily Allowances of films/Will & Grace/SOuthpark/Family Guy/Whose Line is it Anyway? And we are very active members of the NO NOODLES CAMPAIGN!

I finally got a job in the offices of Roche Mining...am project assistant or office mathematician as am fast becoming known - something to with a maths degree?! I'm not sure where they got that from! T'is always good to see that from office to office wherever you are in the world the bitching and moaning is always a constant comfort! I am ashamed to admit there is a Scottish guy here who in the beginning I could not understand - I soon came to realise that it was less of the accent, more of the sense of humour I was having trouble picking up on, seriously, it is sometimes a good thing that people laugh at their own jokes so you know when you should be laughing along with them - ha ha ha! And just like buses - as soon as you've got one another one shows up, turns out though it is just about possible to take both buses in the same week and still survive the journey! So I now work as a waitress (in a cocktail bar...not really!) in a restaurant called the jazzy cat cafe and Amy managed to get a job in an Irish bar just in time for Paddy's Day, she worked 12 hours with half an hour break and came home with no feet...Amy Campbell Soup - I don't think I can do the horrors you endured justice myself so if you would like to explain to our fans back home nows the time.... :) (Amy says ?!&*!!?%@!?) ....This prompted me to go shopping and I managed to buy a woolly hat(?!) even though a) I have no budget for woolly hats and b) it's around 30 degrees here everyday. BUT it will come in handy when we get to New Zealand - managed to find some cheap flights at the end of June - "we're doin' it Harry, we're really doin' it!"

Everyone meet everyone...Being in one spot for three months definitely has an upside - that we meet some more quirky people! There is/was Clint and Will - Car washers for Europcar, always late for work, comedians, potential married couple and have now left to pursure other car washing ventures in Cairns. Gemma AKA Arietty from the Borrowers (TV Programme, not film), her man Johnny and they both work in the Irish Bar around the corner from the hostel (very useful). The Fabulous Nicole(...papa?) She is not french but from Birmingham, had an accident with some hair bleach and a bag full of clothes once, works as night manager/irish mob controller at the hostel, given up anything sweet for lent and is pretending to be on a fresh food diet recommended by Irish Jamie. Irish Jamie, our first roommate and a joy to be around, I can even understand him! A labourer by day and night manager of the hostel by night. Kate, daytime manager of hostel has since moved on to Noosa to avoid evil stepmother/owner of the hostel.

Then there is the day to day unexpected entertainment provided by new people in our room...The Air-Con Wars - how long into the night will it be before someone switches the air-con off and how long into the night before someone switches the fan off, then exactly how similar to a sauna will our room be like in the morning. We had two Canadian girls stay - they were excellent, Adam and Eve - chat-a-lots and hung pair of pants on a hanger for all to see?! German guy who fell off top bunk the first night! Most of the above also had trouble figuring out how to open the door to our room, which admittedly has two handles but still isnt that complicated to figure out - still, it has caused me and Amy much amusement.

Since you've been gone...

The Australian Government, Canberra has issued this statement:

We would like to send our utmost appreciation to a gentleman called Adam Barton, before his visit to our country - Australia and especially Queensland was in a drought for coming up seven years. Scientists believe the water would have run out in a couple of weeks (others believe this is just a scare tactic on posters in hostels to discourage backpackers from taking showers longer than two minutes) if something was not done. Then as fate would have it, Mr Barton graced us with his presence and sure enough the rains came with him.

Weathermen around the world have been baffled by this - whether it was stowed in his rucksack, brought on by the rain dancing or from one of those many 'out of body' experiences he seemed to have twice daily (some people believe these "naps" were in fact visits to the rain Gods) either way we thank you from the bottom of our hearts, the water supplies have been replenished and we now have enough water to get by another seven years.

See ya later aligator

TO Byron Bay and sure enough some sunshine. Adam, pro-body-boarder whipped out some moves in the sea - it is the quickest we have seen Adam move since he got here, the prospect of sun, sea, sand, no rain, surf...the excitement lasted all of 24 hours by which time boredom of the beach, boarding, sunbaking had set in - who said girls were difficult to please?

That evening we took a romantic stroll along the beach, well more like to the beach where it was dark and windy so we opted for more food and drink (sounds like we should be about the size of a house now right?) and then Cheeky Monkeys. And guess what night it is...!? Coyote Ugly night! I don't think it was a bad thing that by the itme we got there we had missed all the girls cos Adam didn't have too much space left for extra photos after the last incident with girls dancing on the bar! Hopefully those 300 that you took the first time will be enough to keep you going Adamski! I crashed out at about 2am and so am not too sure how the others got on but CCTV footage places them on the steps outside the bathroom nearer 3 or 4am scoffing cold pizza and warm beer...happy days :)

We managed to get ourselves another room next to the reception and all the noise! But it was the overly conscientious cleaner that finally got us out of our beds the next day. Adam went to hire a bike - well he told the guy he wanted a bike then went to the bank to get the deposit...by the time he got back the guy had given the bike away to someone else, charming! Body boarding it is then! By the time me and Amy got to the beach and the allocated meeting point, Adam was nowhere to be seen. We scoured the beach for a blue towel and pair of trainers, then we scoured the beach for a pasty white slim fella but found neither. Eventually we gave up and started sunbathing, he emerged from nowhere with a bike helmet in tow. He looked a little tired at that point but that was nothing compared to when he got back to the hostel covered in oil and dirt - good bike ride to the lighthouse dude?

Back to Brisbane and a much better hostel (well, a room really far away from reception, and air-con) which is now mine and Amy's home. We spent the day doing chores, presents, photos then took a boat trip through the city. We were pretty tired from the hectic schedule of eating/sleeping/eating etc so nap #406 of the hols and we finally made it out in the evening for the last supper (before the noodle diet starts again) and a (not-so) classy backpackers bar where we danced stupidly, sang badly, drank too much, Adam took some photos, the bouncer didn't appreciate Adam's photography skills and we left shortly after that, noone is sure whether that decision was forced or not! Hmmm!

And that's it...l'histoire d'Adam...he left Oz with a very heavy bag (we hope you all appreciated the effort that went into buying and getting all that wine home!?) and once again me and Ayms were alone :(

Just like I predicted...

We ran into (it was planned) Amy's Aunt Linda and Uncle Alec in Cairns much to our delight...and the delight of our stomachs. We went for some civilised food and drinks and it was a most pleasant evening - to Alec and Linda, thank you thank you thank you :) After that, Adam was ready to be horizontal again so off to bed we go.

The next day - we still had high hopes that the rain would die down, the floods would disappear, the roads would open and we would still manage to get a bus to Airlie Beach for our Whitsundays Trip...so Adam booked a flight from Airlie to Brisbane so he would make his flight home in time. "A little hasty" you may be thinking - well that indeed was the case, it's only money right?! We spent the afternoon swimming in the lagoonand went for an 'as much as you can pile onto a small plate' asian buffet. In the evening we headed to P.J. O'Briens for a couple, they had a live band and for Adam...ladies dancing on the bar! He got a little snap happy but unfortunately missed the moment in the competition (for non-professional dancers, i.e. drunk girls from the crowd) when a girl just fell off the bar! One second she was there, the next she was gone. It was a good night although we all managed to leave the bar alone with no bearings whatsoever. I was the first to get back to the hostel and usefully sent Amy a minute by minute text update of Adam's whereabouts...Adam is not here, Adam is not here, Adam is still not here, Adam is here and taking photos of my bum!?

Another rainy day and Macd's was the only thing going to get us through the morning, in fact food was the only thing going to get us through the day...we tried to upload some of Adam's 10million megapixel photos but managed to do about 6 in an hour - so back to the hostel and back to napping/wacthing tele/eating pizza, mmm! In the absence of any sun on Monday (the last day we could travel to Airlie Beach) Plan B went out the window as did Adam's pre-booked flight. Plan C - back to the Bellview Motel reception desk and the lovely Betty and Evan. I'm sure Evan was incredibly pleased after all our to-ing and fro-ing to hear the words cancel cancel cancel! Our only saving grace in the midst of it all was the the lady who took our booking for the Whitsundays didn't take our Credit Card details otherwise we would have been out of pocket by $700! Instead we used the money to leave Cairns and head back to Brisbane - a wise decision we thought. Plan Z to drive to Byron Bay where the sunshine is almost guaranteed :) The long awaited departure flight was all good, Adam 'the charmer' Barton decided he deserved the window seat on the return flight since on the way out he had shut the visor and gone to sleep.

In Brisbane we settled into a hostel for the night, got a room right next to reception (which opened at 7am) with thin walls, no air-con but instead a fan which moved slower than Adam on a slow day. So we left and headed out for some - you guessed it, food. Brisbane is another Australian city which has fallen prey to the myth that people don't need to eat after 8pm unless it's in a really expensive restaurant or in Macd's. We eventually found a random Asian/Burger place willing to serve us and Adam even got a side of pickled salty cabbage, mmm s'nice! We stopped for a couple of drinks on the way back in the hope of knocking ourselves out so as not to be disturbed by the reception opening but alas it was not meant to be, 7am and the phone starts ringing and ringing and ringing, the hostel isn't really that big yet the reception guy manages to be on the other side of the world everytime it rings and takes an age to get to it - WE HAVE OUR OWN ALARM CLOCK THANKS VERY MUCH NOW SHUT UP AND _____ ___!

Plan A

One evening we went to a backpacker feeding farm for some cheap food and this evening's entertainment will be GOldfish racing...or Goldfish torture as we would like to call it. The idea goes...the crowd bids for a fish (i.e. George W. Fish - most hated fish in the world, Lord Windsor - inbred fish from England, Paddy the drunk, Silver Fin from New Zealand, Sushi from Japan, Dirty Sanchez the most disgusting fish etc. etc.) The drunkards of the bar pay anything between $20 and $40 for a fish, then the tournament begins! The skill (yes, apparently there is some) is to blow bubbles about 6" behind the tail of the fish and it will swim away from you...the reality is the only girl in the competition won because she is the only one who had any concept of how far away 6" was, the guys on the other hand - whether it be from lack of co-ordination from the alcohol, the inability to do two things at once or the inability to do anything but suck when a a straw and some liquid are handed to you...the really weren't getting it. If the fish went in the wrong direction, how does that saying go?? Braun before brains - I know if I blow really hard I'll probably just be able to blow the fish to the end of the track!? The poor fish...!

An early rise for our Cape Tribulation tour...first stop giving away some more money - this time to Santa!? It's a good job Santa's job doesn't involve charging for his presents because the combination of credit card technology and fat man with a white beard didn't go down to well. Jeremy/Fred/Hippy version of Steve Irwin/our tour guide started our day off with a "get to know each other session" - what's your favourite tale from Australia...Adam happily told his I shared some chips with a drunk Aborigini story! The tour continued with many a long and informative 'swear on my life' diatrap about his time in the rainforest, yes? especially at 2am, yes? 3am, yes? and a particularly indepth science behind the roofing system of the rainforest, miracle fruits, a detailed timeline of how the road was built (finshed in 1994 - this will be a part of your pop quiz later on in the week) which somehow turned into how the worlds mountain ranges were formed. Bet I stopped listening before you did :) Now don't get me wrong, in the midst of all going off on tangents there was some very interesting facts, like if you incubate a crocodile egg a degree higher than normal you will get a lady crocodile - preferable for zoos and such like because the ladies fight less!

We stopped at a wildlife park and saw cassowary birds and crocs in a billabong which launched out of the water when the guy threw stones at them. I think I would be fairly annoyed if I was trying to avoid the rain and someone kept throwing stones at me. Oh yeah, it was raining again by this point! We also saw the tiniest frogs in the world ever about the size of a fingernail (a small fingernail) - sadly whilst oohing and ahhing over these creatures a girl came along and stepped on one! :(

We continued to drive through the Rainforest and saw some wild Cassowaries. We wandered through the mangrove swamps...maybe I should say on a boardwalk - we were inches away from danger at every turn. Jeremy/Fred ate an ant?!?! Which apparently tasted of lemon and lime...well if we are going to play 'I'm a Celebrity' dude feel free to bring out Ant and Dec anytime you like :) In the afternoon we were dropped off at PK's - our home for the night, Adam napped and Amy and I went to the pool (and he wonders why he doesn't have a suntan!)

To while away the next morning before our trip back to Cairns we went for a walk along the beach...where danger lurks around every corner - which isn't far wrong to be honest - at high tide when the sea meets the creek the crocs come right along to the shoreline, this was exactly the time we managed to arrive at the beach! Luckily Adam Dundee was there to protect us so when the 6m long croc appeared out of nowhere and started chasing us down the beach we were barely scared at all...Adam bravely diverted the croc into the trees confusing it by running in zig zags. As the crocodile was just about to grab Adam's leg he used his suntan lotion as a weapon of massive power and the crocodile started choking. Adam Dundee finally wrestled it to the ground but was standing in quicksand! By the time the croc had drowned in the sand Adam was already in it up to his waist and was only able to pull himself free with the strength of a bear - being such a hero he had also managed to karate chop with crocs tail off with his arm and is now planning to make some crocodile boots as a momento of his trip! Back in the safety of the pool we relaxed for a while with some swimming and su dokus.

Jeremy/Fred finally picked us up and we headed to the ice cream factory - a typical sight of the Australian rainforest. Along with this and the breif stop to check out the white tailed kingfisher we had to navigate the potholes and dips in the road with less caution than before and the trip was fairly bumpy to the crocdile cruise. Next stop - the crocodile cruise! We were told to be careful walking down the path to the boat...why? Should we be looking out for crocodiles?! Have they been spotted on this bank before?...no, be careful carrying your hot drinks down the path, we don't want anyone to burn themselves! We saw a tree frog, lots of interesting vegetation and birds nests, a croc sunbathing and we saw some rain! Luckily the rain held off long enough for us to walk through Mossman Gorge and just as we got back to the bus it rained again and didn't stop for another four days! Upon our arrival back at the hotel we had some good and bad news waiting for us...the good news is that we have been upgraded to a better room because all the dorms have gone...the bad news is that there will potentially be a cyclone in the next few days the roads to AIrlie Beach are flooded! Excellent!

Our day to the Great Barrier Reef turned out to be a success - there was good weather and good reef! In fact the sunshine was out in force that day (mostly because of the lack of ozone layer in that part of the world) and so was the suntan lotion, if anyone was watching from the outside it would have looked like we were playing pass the parcel with it and when the music stops you are the lucky person that gets to use it! Adam managed to burn the backs of his hands - a small price to pay for the realisation of a dream to go on a catamaran, no? We did some snorkelling, had a giggle over the wetsuits (Adam was in charge of helping/groping Amy into hers ;) Someone in our snorkelling group spotted a turtle, so off 20 of us trot - stalking this poor turtle! Adam and Amy were playing a fun game of how deep can you dive...I on the other hand had a lot of difficulty staying face down in the water let alone going any deeper than that! We had lunch and then more of the same, snorkelling, taking silly photos, getting cramp, missing the "GET BACK TO THE BOAT" signal. Back at the hostel we found out the Bruce Hwy was under 8m of water and the forecast - rain, rain and more rain.

The Legend that is Benny Oakley

Another nap later and we headed down to the bar to redeem our backpacker bargain special - pork chops and chips for $7! We unretired Adam from the game of darts – then Amy beat him so he quickly retired again! He made his come back on the pool table until James – random buyer of drinks/pool club promoter took over and wiped the floor with him. Adam was on the verge of retiring from pool as well but was too polite to say no to the guy when he asked for another game.

The next randoms to invade our personal space was Little Miss ‘Oi Oi Oi’ herself, Brooke - when we finally caught on that she was trying to get our attention we went over and sat with her, her brother, Claire, the legendary Benny Oakley and too many others to realistically remember all their names. The pitchers of beer and the sav blank was flowing and all was going well until the leader of the ‘stupid boys we need large rocks thrown at us’ club reared his drunken head and started causing a scene…we left shortly after that!

Tuesday morning arrived along with more mosquito bite, the beginnings of a hangover, the joys of packing, trying to get to the airport on time (we were up against the clock, a particularly nonchalant mini-bus driver who took forever to round everyone up, forever to get into the bus and then had to drive to the harbour to drop the boat/passengers off before we even set off for the airport), screaming children, the rest of a hangover, turbulence and finally we arrived in Cairns.

To make up for our bad taxi driver experience in Sydney, karma did its job and we managed to discover the friendliest taxi driver/tour guide in all of Australia. Then we met Betty and Evan who became our new best friends and didn’t turn us away even though their motel didn’t really cater for mixed groups…thanks guys! Task #1…to plan the next ten days of our trip - what an ordeal. It was tough enough organising the three of us, our wants and needs without Evan's 'helpful' contribution of only giving us the expensive Whitsundays trip leaflets..."Oh, I'm sorry dude, do my worn down flip flops and holey skirt scream out to you that I have money to spare?!"

We put together something resembling a plan - 2 days Cape Tribulation, 1 day reef, overnight bus to Airlie beach, 3 days Whitsundays then back to Brisbane. Four days later our plan looked a lot more like...2 days Cape Tribulation, 1 day reef, 3 days in Cairns waiting for the rain to stop, 1 day Brisbane, 2 days Byron Bay. Despite all the setbacks we managed to have a good time.